Why treat a wife with such disrespect?

Resulting from a computer system snafu I recently received copies of a load of emails that were not mine.  I knew the man who was receiving them. To my surprise many were correspondences from women other than his wife.  As I read a few of them, I was sad for the spouse, very sad. Why be married, have children and live a life of infidelity in the eyes of both the civil law and spiritual faith? I do not understand and will never believe that someone has to “surrender” to sexual temptation. When I witness this behavior it seems nothing more than complete selflessness on the part of the participants.  In the emails I read some of the other women knew the man was married with children and actually thanked him for the relationship. A woman lessens her self worth by thanking a man for participating in infidelity.  Also a man that practices infidelity lowers himself to a level of worthlessness.

So I continue to ponder, “Why?”  Any police detective will tell you, “It’s Motive and Opportunity.” As for the motive, men cheat when they are unsatisfied with the companionship or sex in their existing relationship - i.e. their current partner is not doing the job. No shortage of opportunity in Asia – Bar girls. The problem here is twofold, a man’s unwillingness to discuss companionship and sex openly with his wife. And, engaging in sex outside the marriage invites health issues into the family.  

The question “Why men cheat” has to be one of the most pondered over questions of our time.  With the seemingly daily reports of the latest greatest cheating fiascos involving males that you would least expect such as Jesse Jackson, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, Jude Law, Bill Cosby and numerous others, today’s women (and men depending on sexual preferences…but you didn’t hear that from me) have a right to be a little alarmed.  Why are all of these so-called happily married men risking losing their families and livelihoods for a few minutes of ‘outside lovin’?

In order to get to the bottom of cheating, I have to go way back, back in the day when Adam and Eve…ok, not that far back, but at least back to childhood and the values that parents taught.  If you were a girl, your mother probably raised you to be matronly.  Your lessons would involve learning to cook, learning to clean, learning to care for your younger brothers and sisters and so on and so forth.  While you were up to your neck in womanly duties, the boys were probably in the next room watching football with their fathers learning a very different lesson: divide and conquer.  They may have even been issued one of those cool pocketknives that are allegedly for doing manly things.

Aside from the fact that boys and girls aren’t raised with the same values of family, marriage and commitment, we live in a world where there are so many choices and opportunities to do whatever we please.  Compare it to a buffet.  Why would a man stick with the chicken wings if he were taught to answer the calls of the steak and the fish that are winking at him from a few bins over?  Basically, there is someone out there waiting to fulfill whatever pleasures a person may have.  Let’s say a man’s life at home is getting a little stale, meaning his wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, (or sheep in some cases) isn’t willing to try new things.  Chances are, there is a female at his job, attending his church, or living next door that welcomes new challenges.  Beyonce’s backup singer, Kelly, said it best, “whatever I’m not fulfilling, another woman is willing” and before you know it your babysitter is catering to your man.

So how do you choose a man that won’t ultimately pursue other opportunities?  Since we are all have free will, there are no foolproof ways to ensure fidelity, but there are several common sense approaches to selecting a man that is less likely to step out on your relationship. Here are my findings (I am a man, therefore I claim expertise on this subject matter):

How you get him, may be how you loose him. 

If you woo the man of your dreams from the arms of another, chances are, he may be open to being wooed again in the future.  It’s my belief that there are too many eligible singles out there to set your sights on someone that is involved with someone else.  However, if you choose to risk investing time and energy into someone that already has a companion, then you are probably at the greatest risk of falling victim to the hurt of dealing with a cheater.

Don’t try to change him. 

If you are interested in someone who isn’t ready to settle down for whatever reason, don’t get it into your head that you can change that.  Also, don’t call yourself sticking around until he’s ready.  If he does end up becoming involved with you because of your prompting, he may not be totally happy with his choice of commitment to you.  This doesn’t always mean that his unhappiness settling down before he was ready will ensure that he will cheat, but oftentimes this is a recipe for disaster.

Keep it fresh and new. 

When your man comes to you with new ideas or things he wants to try with you, don’t be so quick to say “NO!”  Unless it compromises your morals, self-worth or pride, trying new things isn’t always a bad idea.  Oftentimes after dating or being married for a considerable amount of time, we tend to get comfortable.  We quit making those daily trips to the gym.  We stop trying to find out Victoria’s Secret.  Basically, the love life becomes comparable to repeatedly having left-overs.  Give your man a reason to want to come home to you at the end of the day.  Surprise him with a new hairdo.  Turn on the game for him.  Take him out for nights on the town…where YOU pay!!!!  Rent some movies and learn some new moves…on the dance floor of course, what were you thinking?  Ensure that he knows how much you love and appreciate him.  Find new ways to express your feelings.

Make his interest your interest. 

Although sitting in front of a three-hour football game may be some females’ version of a slow and painful death, try to show interest in the things your man is interested in.  If he likes going out to the club or bar every now and then, don’t be so quick to send him alone.  Situations like these give other females on the prowl a chance to pounce on your man.  Frequent interludes with these women may make him more vulnerable to opportunities that wouldn’t have been presented had you been there.  This doesn’t mean that you have to be joined at the hip, but it does require a little effort on your part.  Even if you have to take a No Doze before asking how his day was at work, show interest by asking anyway.  And even if you don’t watch the game with him, ask him a question or two about what you know or don’t know about sports.  This shows him that although you won’t be voted fan of the year any time soon, you don’t mind the time he devotes to things he enjoys.

Those are just a few examples of things you can do to ensure that you won’t be the latest victim of a cheating man.  Honestly, the rules change on a case-by-case basis.  You should know your companion better than anyone, his likes and dislikes, and should be able to evaluate your situation and make the appropriate changes, if any, necessary to ensure the happiness of your man in your relationship.  Always remember that no matter how many years may pass, your relationship should always be young, fresh and new. 

Take it from me; you’ll be happier in the long run (including and most importantly, the afterlife).

Lastly, as for what a man can do to select and keep his wife, I’ll just write two things are for sure, open and honest communications, and no infidelity.  I’m fairly positive there's more similar to what I have written above that can also be done, but I will leave this topic for a woman’s expertise to comment on.

Good Luck!!!

"Thanks for reading, thinks for visiting."

Copyright © 2012 by Palmer Pinckney II